Every once and a while my PC will take itself to a porn site and contract a virus.
I've explained to my PC that it is very unhealthy, not to mention insolent and terrifying in a Twilight Zone kind of way.
Unfortunately, my PC refuses to obey and I spent almost 2 weeks trying to manually scrape the syphilis from my hard drive using a sharpened butter knife and the rough side of a peanut hull, shell, pod
fuck I don't know what it was, I'm not a goddamn peanut expert like Jimmy Carter.
Anyway, I got the drive reassembled... and then.... nothing.
I was very careful to rub the drive in a circular fashion so that the scratches wouldn't interfere with the needle. So I don't understand what went wrong. I took the drive to my local Best Buy and I explained that I needed a new needle for my hard drive. So the young punk says, "Sir, your hard drive doesn't have a needle". I said, "I know that numb nuts, that's why I'm here to buy one!" No wonder they're going out of business. So I just got one from Amazon. Well, not Amazon exactly, there are no Amazons near where I live.
I think it was from some other bug infested milieu turned uber-store. It was the only one they had in stock and it was for a turntable, but I took my chances and it worked! It took a 3 hour soak in a vat of a government banned carcinogenic solvent to take the Chinese funk off of it (the screaming was almost unbearable). After I cleaned it up and got it to stop moving I installed it in the old drive and wala (voila)! Duct tape is fucking great! Right?
What this? Hold on, I've got this little bowl of defective pistachio nuts, you know, they were born without cracks. Those. I'm saving them up, when I get a pound I'm going to carefully reseal the bag and take them back to the store. Then, I'm going to imagine a party where the little steel vaginas of my virgin nuts frustrate the best efforts of the hungry guests. They will get desperate and try to crack one with their teeth. Their teeth will fail, and either crack or explode. Yes, it could happen.
Then they will go to the neighborhood dentist, who owes me money. I'll know if any of my dental demon's victims show up because I have his office under surveillance. Our local dentist is a pervert which is good for me because those kind of porn videos are big in the niche market. Bad for him because if those videos got in the wrong hands he could be easily blackmailed. Case-in-point huh molar man?
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should just do what everyone else does and buy a bag of pebbles and just paint them to look like pistachios. I thought about it. But wouldn't someone get suspicious; a whole bag of nuts painted exactly alike? And could I resist adding racing stripes or little death star panels and conduits? Probably not.
Anyway, there's a squirrel in my house. I don't know how he gets in. I don't have windows. Well, I have windows, it's just that my neighbors keep boarding them up from the outside. Apparently they don't enjoy watching me masturbate as much as I enjoy being watched.
I also have a collection of what I believe to be prehistoric, but still festering Kimchi meals. The smell is god-awful but the Korean tourists pay 50 bucks a head just to take their pictures with it. My neighbors said that boarding up the windows also helps with the smell, so at 3am every morning I sneak over and mist their air conditioning units with squid pee and Kimchi juice; just to be an asshole and as punishment for not adoring my penis as much as I do!
I greased up the front door, just in case the squirrel's got a key and also because I have more lube than I know what to do with. I doubt if he can pick the lock, because he stores everything in his mouth and you could easily see a lock pick poking out of his cheeks. I think that's what they are, cheeks. Sometimes animals get special fancy names for their body parts to help keep them from feeling inferior.
For example, it's bad enough that some animals don't have opposable thumbs, but most of them don't even have fingers. What do you call a hand without fingers? A "paw." Hey, whatever makes you happy.
Horses don't have feet. But they have very big penises so they hardly ever get teased.
I think this squirrel is making a move for my nut bowl. Yeah squirrel, I'm watching you!
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that maybe it's the squirrel that's checking out the infectious porn sites? I'm not sure, but I do think he goes through my underwear drawer. I have no proof I just have that feeling.
Oh, BTW if you have movies etc for the blog, let me know!
Listening to: recording of teeth grinding
Playing: with it